A Week in Review: Etiquette and Common Courtesy

In the age of technology, there are some—nay, many—common courtesies and etiquette that have gone far out the window.

Let's start with the hard one: R.S.V.P. 

Yes, it's French. If this were a Jeopardy question, how many people in each generation (on average) do you think would be able to actually SAY what that acronym means—without Googling it? (It's okay if you can't spell it. After all, those French like to add a lot of vowels unnecessarily.) I am going to speculate (with all my powers of intuition), that for each new generation, the likelihood of this gets smaller and smaller. 

It stands for répondez, s'il vous plaît, which means RESPOND PLEASE. (I won't go into the semantics of how accurate my French translation is as it could actually mean "respond, if you please" which is NOT where I'm going with this entry so I'm sticking with what's in all caps.) 

I have been taught that you respond. Period. (If I could capitalize the actual period instead of writing out the word, I would. Consider it capital.)

Understandably, we get busy with life. The invitation, whether paper or cyber, gets lost in the day-to-day. But anybody who has thrown any kind of extravaganza in the last few years from birthday parties to weddings (especially weddings), understands that when one doesn't RSVP, things get very tricky. The host is usually trying to pinpoint how much food and drink to make or purchase, how many party favors to acquire, seating arrangements, party activities, so on and so forth. If you don't RSVP, you leave the host with the unfortunate quandary of: "Do I call or do I just assume?" Neither is a great option. Personally, in the last few years, I've done my fair share of calling and Facebooking and e-mailing just to get people to respond.

To that I say: "Ugh!" Get with the program, people! 

If somebody puts RSVP on an invitation, do yourself and the host a favor and actually take the time to respond. It's the polite thing to do. I am sure Ms. Manners would back me up on this one.

And, while we're still on the topic. If you RSVP, "Yes" and then FAIL TO SHOW, it would be nice to let the host(s) know why. It's one thing if something unavoidable comes up or if you just had a plain ol' brain-fart—but apologize and let the host know why, if you can. A simple, "Hey, so sorry, this came up and unfortunately we won't be able to (or couldn't) make it," would suffice in most situations. It's that common courtesy thing a lot of people seem to lack these days.

Good thing there are still some out there picking up the slack for others! Here is an example of above and beyond when it comes to being unable to attend after having already RSVPed:

One couple we invited to our wedding shared our wedding date with their wedding anniversary, but still RSVPed "YES!", enthusiastically. They were thrilled to share such a special day with us. When we didn't see them, I found it surprising. It turned out that the husband had a heart attack while on a boat that same day. Luckily he ended up being okay, though they obviously were unable to attend our wedding. How did I find this out? We received a card in the mail after our wedding: the wife wrote telling us how sorry she was that they had to miss our wedding and the why. On top of that, they gave us a check! Now that is some unbelievable etiquette!

Needless to say, we wrote a very nice thank you and get-well card to them!

This segues into my next etiquette which is: writing Thank Yous.

My mom instilled in all of us early on that you write thank you notes. I don't know how well my siblings kept up, but I made sure to write notes for each birthday and Christmas to grandparents, to aunts and uncles, to whomever was nice enough to send gifts. I would take the time to write a personal thank you and let them know how I liked their gift and, if it was money, how I spent it (or intended to spend it). The same was true for graduations and bridal showers and bachelorette parties and weddings. To this day, I still write thank you notes. In fact, Grandma should be receiving one in the mail this week!

Why are thank you notes such a big deal? (Or perhaps the better sentiment, why should thank you notes be such a big deal?)

People take time to pick out gifts, especially when it comes to the "important occasions" like birthdays and graduations and weddings. Most people like to give something that they know the receiver will appreciate—and that takes thought as well as the literal time to purchase it and wrap it and send it (if applicable). Shouldn't the person(s) who take that time deserve to have the same courtesy returned in the form of a thank you? Besides that, most people like to know that their gift was received and wasn't lost or stolen or ignored. And if it's a monetary gift, remember too that it comes from their finances. Monetary gifts deserve just as much of a thank you as physical gifts. 

I thought that this was a common courtesy. Turns out this kind of etiquette has fallen so far down on the list that people don't bother thinking a "Thank you". Gifts are taken for granted. Gifts are assumed and expected and yet get no response.

There have been entire weddings where the bride and groom don't bother writing thank you notes AT ALL. Forget birthdays or graduations or new babies—those are hardly important gifts for which to thank someone. *Rolls eyes* Heck, in those situations I would have settled for a text message: Hey, got your present. Thanks! It is the digital age, after all—takes mere seconds to communicate! But even that—that simple pick-up-your-phone and take literally 30 seconds to type and send—people can't be bothered.

There should be no excuse. Pick up a pen and find that RSVP and respond. Put it in the mail. Find a nice card and write thank you notes to the people who take time out of their day to give you a present. Go to the new neighbors and welcome them to the neighborhood. Bonus points if you bring them baked goods and/or flowers! (I confess, I still need to greet one of our newest neighbors.) Common courtesy and etiquette extend beyond the pages; they are an essential vertebrae in the backbone of our society.

I sincerely hope that with each new generation, the art of RSVP and thank you notes, of sending birthday cards and writing an "I'm thinking of you note" will start to resurface. Facebook and e-mails and Skype and all those programs should help—not make obsolete what generations before have crafted into a meaningful way to communicate. And remember, too, that everybody enjoys opening the mailbox and finding a personal letter or card. 

People absolutely get a free pass every once in a while. To err is human, so we might forget to RSVP to that one event (especially some of those socialites who get invited to everything!) or write a thank you note seven months late (sorry about that Grandma!). Don't make it a habit though. Don't consider it a "normal" part of your life. Instead, put that RSVP card somewhere you'll be able to find and put a deadline on your calendar ahead of the RSVP date to make sure you respond in time. Keep some nice-looking cards around and next time you receive a gift in the mail, pick one up and jot a quick thank you to the person who sent it to you. And if you really aren't one to write personal snail-mail thank yous, then use your phone or your tablet or iPad or computer and take advantage of all this technology at our fingertips! (Though I still am wholly in the snail-mail personal box!)

Acknowledge those who've taken time out of their lives for you. It's important.

A Week in Review: Gifts come in all sizes and shapes

Every day we are given countless gifts that, oftentimes, we don't even realize are gifts. To that extent, some say that each and every day itself is a gift. I say keep your senses alert and appreciate all the gifts in your life, no matter the size or shape, tangible or intangible.

For each day that passed this week, I could name something that I felt was truly a gift to me. On the outside, some of these moments may seem like nothing more than a phone call or a book, but in truth, each of them held something more: each was a gift.

Gift of Trust:

At the beginning of the week, I received a call from a grandfather whose young eleven-year-old granddaughter had joined the youth symphony. At the first rehearsal, there was a parent meeting in which my primary role was to show up in concert black dress attire so that all parents and students know what is acceptable for concerts. 

Concert Black Attire
(Picture courtesy of the gift of a clarinet photo shoot from my sister-in-law)

This grandfather had been so impressed with my professional-looking outfit that he telephoned me the next day to discuss how his granddaughter could find just-the-right outfit to look professional, yet still age appropriate.

On the phone to me, he expressed that he just wanted to make his granddaughter feel comfortable as she was very excited to be a part of the symphony but also apprehensive as she is one of the younger players.

After the first rehearsal, the grandfather had taken his granddaughter out to dinner: "Wherever she wanted," he'd told me. At the restaurant (Red Robin), they had talked about the symphony and the conversation had turned to the topic of her dress attire for the concerts. When the elder queried the younger about what she might want to wear for the concerts, she said she'd liked what I had worn. He agreed that the outfit looked "quite sharp." 

I talked to this gentleman for at least a half an hour discussing all sorts of options as to what I thought would be appropriate for a young female student and where one might purchase outfits.

"I know you are a busy woman," he said to me, "and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about this."

Honestly, I'd never discussed clothing so in depth. But, by the time I hung up I'd realized that he'd made my day. Why? Because he'd given me a gift of trust. It might sound silly to some, but that simple phone call, a grandfather wishing to make his granddaughter feel important and comfortable, made me feel important as well. He saw me not only as an adult* but as a leader and somebody he could trust to give him an honest and authoritative answer. He trusted my style (what!) and my knowledge as a musician and instructor enough to call me and ask something that to some might seem entirely ridiculous. He trusted that I wouldn't take it as something inane, but instead that I would respect it.

It's important to remember: sometimes the smallest things make the biggest changes.

In an ironic turn of "what a small world" events, it turns out this gentleman's son graduated from the same high school I did (which is three hours away in a completely different area) six years prior to my graduation.

*("Oh, so you're a real adult?" has actually been said to me before. I was 22. Sometime I'll share that story on here.)

Gift of Thanks:

My students are always gifts to me. Each one I have reminds me how much I enjoy teaching clarinet lessons. I work with some of these students for many years. As such, I get the privilege to watch these boys and girls grow into young men and women. In due time, each must move on in his or her respective futures.

This week, another student had his final lesson and is embarking on a new adventure as he heads off to college. At the end of his lesson, I received a gift of thanks from him:

 (The vase was a gift from my sister for my college graduation.)

On a similar note, I recently had a current student (and parent) give me a gift of fresh-caught salmon. YUM!

Gift of Friendship

Every Friday, there are a few of us who have a girls' night. I never thought that I would be one to actually have something like that. There are those shows on TV where girls are close-knit and really connect, sharing all manners of life subjects. I am not one of those. Nor have I ever been. Except, recently, I realize that I do actually have a pretty darn good group of girlfriends who I have come to really connect with and really trust (gift of trust!) and enjoy sharing time and experiences.

Unlike TV, however, our girls' night are usually fairly low-key. We cook dinner together and chat and sometimes play a game. More than likely these days, we end up doing house projects together!

This Friday, we painted some of the rooms in K's new house. And while we were dressed in our finery of cut-off jeans and old ragged t-shirts, I told those ladies that I was going on record and let them all know how much I appreciate their friendship. Because they (and several others who would be part of girls' night if they lived closer) are true friends. I know I could call on them any time for anything, no matter what.

So to E and L and K: Thanks for girls' night! It's fun anytime, even if it's painting rooms (or refinishing a deck)!

And for all my good friends out there: THANK YOU for your amazing gifts of friendship.

Gift of Love:

Throughout the week, my husband cooked every single night. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I've got a keeper! (As if there was any doubt...)

Just about the time I'd think, "I should probably pull out something for dinner...", my handsome hubby would text me and say: "I've got a dinner plan."

Oh joy! Rapture!

How doth he love me? Let me count the ways: shredded bbq beef sandwiches, shredded beef omelettes and banana macadamia nut pancakes with coconut syrup, soup with meatballs and ravioli, shredded beef tacos with avocado and garden-fresh tomatoes, and BLT croissants.

Not to mention he changed the oil in both vehicles, cleaned the garage, and put the backpacking gear away. Meanwhile he still found time to work on his master's after work and go over to my brother's to help put up a shed.

Each and every day I am honored to have this man by my side. He is constantly and consistently a gift of love to me and to others.

Gift of Thoughtfulness:

My mother is one of the most thoughtful people I know. Whenever she sees me, or "sees" me through other people visiting, she gifts me with little notes or books or whatever reminded her of me. (Along with the mail I seem to still receive there...) I got home on Saturday and found that my dad had dropped off a box of goodies from my mom. In that box, and the true inspiration for this week's blog, a book: The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations.

This book is chock full of quotations from the bible to Shakespeare to presidents to common sayings. It has an alphabetical index of keywords. Can't remember a full quotation or phrase, but know that it has "March" in it? Just look up that word and you find 17 quotations with "march" in it. The index gives a brief three or four word blurb so that you can decide which quotation most fits it before you look up the full quote.

GEEK OUT!

I called my mom to thank her and of course she'd responded with, "I just saw it and thought of you." :) She then told me that it caught her eye because there are often quotations in the beginning of books and she thought that I might find it helpful if I wished to do that sometime. I told her, "I actually do have a quote at the beginning of one of my novels already!"

She was pretty tickled that I'd already begun doing that and I told her that I appreciated her random, "I thought of you" gift even more.

Thanks mom! You're the best.

So to end, a quote from Percy Bysshe Shelley:

"Familiar acts are beautiful through love." (Prometheus Unbound, Act IV)

A Week in Review: It's a bug's life (Part II)

I opened the door, leash in hand. Ellie pushed past me, eager to get into the sunshine, knowing that the leash meant exercise of some kind. As she brushed past me, I noticed a rather odd sight on the door frame:

Curious, I peered at this gummy-looking thing. I had several thoughts flash through my mind, instantaneously competing with each other:

"What is that?"
"Is it real?"
"Is somebody spying on me?!" (I'd been watching a bit too much Revenge recently...)

The thing started swaying. There was no wind. Not even a tiny gust of air. And yet it slowly rocked back and forth with its beady little...fake eyes.

After the initial shock of "What the...?", I used my powers of observation (and morbid fascination) and noted that those "eyes" were clearly not real. It looked as though they were painted on (again, a fleeting thought of feeling spied on...).

At this point, I reached over to turn the handle of the door to go inside and retrieve my phone. But, ALAS! I'd already locked myself out. I hustled to get myself back into the house, not wanting to miss this strange alien creature. By the time I returned moments later...it hadn't moved. Except for its steady sway—back and forth, back and forth. I captured the above picture and then proceeded to stare at it intently.

Those eyes...

What does one do at at time like this! Why...Google of course!

With my handy-dandy phone, I popped onto Google and typed in the following:

alien caterpillar with fake eyes

Behold the power of Google! Instantly it popped up this video.

Not to be outdone, I took a video of my own:

As the caterpillar began to investigate the door frame, I investigated the caterpillar.

I went on an online hunt, seeing what else Google pulled up, website-wise, for my "alien caterpillar with fake eyes" search.

And, voila!

This alien-looking caterpillar will turn into the beautiful Tiger Swallowtail butterfly:

Though this is actually the Eastern Tiger Swallowtail and not the Western.
(Photo Website Link; Western Tiger Swallowtail Info)

I'd say, that's a pretty neat find!

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And, on a poetic side note, what a great metamorphosis example for me, don't you think? :) (See A Week in Review: It's a bug's life (Part I)

A Week in Review: It's a bug's life (Part I)

Question: What does a ukulele, boudoir-themed shower crafting, and an alien-bug have in common?

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For a while now, I've been getting bugged about posting. (You know who you are, Graham.) ;)

In all honesty, I appreciate the inquiries because it forces me to think and rethink how I will manage to carve out writing time in my life. It's tricky, and it's getting trickier. The music side of my life has taken over. Just in private lessons alone, I have gone from 2 to 10 students in the course of the past six months, which is very exciting, but time-consuming. This doesn't even include all my own practice hours and symphony rehearsals and youth symphony rehearsals and master classes. But we won't go into that.

As if I didn't have enough music in my life, at the beginning of the summer I finally picked up the ukulele I bought on our honeymoon trip to Maui five years ago, dusted it off and figured out how to tune it. Then, I proceeded to teach myself how to play it, passably well, in an hour (very proud of myself for that). I took it camping that same weekend and pestered my family with it. And when I returned, I thought to myself, I should document this.

About that same time, I was working very diligently on my good friend's boudoir shower invitations and, feeling very proud of my crafts, thought that I should also share that endeavor.

That's when I starting thinking about doing a "week in review" blog wherein every week I write about something that occurred in my life that I find interesting, challenging, fun, boring, witty, snide, laughable, culpable...really...anything goes (within reason).

In my mind, as I lay in my bed at night trying to sleep, I'd draft these excellent blogs with witty comments and visual stimulants of my superb ukulele playing and crafty crafts. And by morning, I'd forgotten my wit and realized (especially this summer) that I had no time for dilly-dallying around on my blog.

Or did I?

Why did I have this new-found exploration into previously dormant (redundant, I know), facets of my creative life (i.e. ukulele playing, extensive craft-time)? And why, more importantly, was I feeling a need to share these things? The ever-sought-after social need for approval? I'm sure there's some part of me that nods in agreement to that. But, I honestly think it's more my need to write. And since I'm having a hard time editing novels at the moment, my mind is finding other avenues for me to hone my writerly instincts: 

a) I have a perpetual need to be creative. If I'm not playing my instrument or writing, I'm trying to find other avenues to express creativity. Hence the other activities.

b) When engaging in these other creative activities, I still feel that urge to write. The little blog birdie in my ear that whispers, "Write about this" is just encouraging me to find a different way to keep writing. Because the number one thing us writers need to remember (and always remind ourselves) is to just keep writing.

I love to write. And when I am not working on my novels, I get this built-up anxious feeling. My characters start to have lives of their own in my head. They answer my novel questions, but never at good times for me to sit down and capture them. 

While my novels are my first priority in my writing life, I need to be writing even when I'm not noveling (or not making the time to novel). So after a long, exhausting summer (full of very fun and exciting events), I am collecting myself once again. I am preparing for noveling by accepting that earlier this summer I was onto something with my other creative expressions and desire to write about them. I will be, like I dreamed up, making a valiant effort to do a blog entry each week: A Week in Review.

As I embark on this journey, I am hoping it will lead me down my noveling-path more easily. One can hope!

Here we go!

See: A Week in Review: It's a bug's life (Part II)