A Week in Review: Etiquette and Common Courtesy

In the age of technology, there are some—nay, many—common courtesies and etiquette that have gone far out the window.

Let's start with the hard one: R.S.V.P. 

Yes, it's French. If this were a Jeopardy question, how many people in each generation (on average) do you think would be able to actually SAY what that acronym means—without Googling it? (It's okay if you can't spell it. After all, those French like to add a lot of vowels unnecessarily.) I am going to speculate (with all my powers of intuition), that for each new generation, the likelihood of this gets smaller and smaller. 

It stands for répondez, s'il vous plaît, which means RESPOND PLEASE. (I won't go into the semantics of how accurate my French translation is as it could actually mean "respond, if you please" which is NOT where I'm going with this entry so I'm sticking with what's in all caps.) 

I have been taught that you respond. Period. (If I could capitalize the actual period instead of writing out the word, I would. Consider it capital.)

Understandably, we get busy with life. The invitation, whether paper or cyber, gets lost in the day-to-day. But anybody who has thrown any kind of extravaganza in the last few years from birthday parties to weddings (especially weddings), understands that when one doesn't RSVP, things get very tricky. The host is usually trying to pinpoint how much food and drink to make or purchase, how many party favors to acquire, seating arrangements, party activities, so on and so forth. If you don't RSVP, you leave the host with the unfortunate quandary of: "Do I call or do I just assume?" Neither is a great option. Personally, in the last few years, I've done my fair share of calling and Facebooking and e-mailing just to get people to respond.

To that I say: "Ugh!" Get with the program, people! 

If somebody puts RSVP on an invitation, do yourself and the host a favor and actually take the time to respond. It's the polite thing to do. I am sure Ms. Manners would back me up on this one.

And, while we're still on the topic. If you RSVP, "Yes" and then FAIL TO SHOW, it would be nice to let the host(s) know why. It's one thing if something unavoidable comes up or if you just had a plain ol' brain-fart—but apologize and let the host know why, if you can. A simple, "Hey, so sorry, this came up and unfortunately we won't be able to (or couldn't) make it," would suffice in most situations. It's that common courtesy thing a lot of people seem to lack these days.

Good thing there are still some out there picking up the slack for others! Here is an example of above and beyond when it comes to being unable to attend after having already RSVPed:

One couple we invited to our wedding shared our wedding date with their wedding anniversary, but still RSVPed "YES!", enthusiastically. They were thrilled to share such a special day with us. When we didn't see them, I found it surprising. It turned out that the husband had a heart attack while on a boat that same day. Luckily he ended up being okay, though they obviously were unable to attend our wedding. How did I find this out? We received a card in the mail after our wedding: the wife wrote telling us how sorry she was that they had to miss our wedding and the why. On top of that, they gave us a check! Now that is some unbelievable etiquette!

Needless to say, we wrote a very nice thank you and get-well card to them!

This segues into my next etiquette which is: writing Thank Yous.

My mom instilled in all of us early on that you write thank you notes. I don't know how well my siblings kept up, but I made sure to write notes for each birthday and Christmas to grandparents, to aunts and uncles, to whomever was nice enough to send gifts. I would take the time to write a personal thank you and let them know how I liked their gift and, if it was money, how I spent it (or intended to spend it). The same was true for graduations and bridal showers and bachelorette parties and weddings. To this day, I still write thank you notes. In fact, Grandma should be receiving one in the mail this week!

Why are thank you notes such a big deal? (Or perhaps the better sentiment, why should thank you notes be such a big deal?)

People take time to pick out gifts, especially when it comes to the "important occasions" like birthdays and graduations and weddings. Most people like to give something that they know the receiver will appreciate—and that takes thought as well as the literal time to purchase it and wrap it and send it (if applicable). Shouldn't the person(s) who take that time deserve to have the same courtesy returned in the form of a thank you? Besides that, most people like to know that their gift was received and wasn't lost or stolen or ignored. And if it's a monetary gift, remember too that it comes from their finances. Monetary gifts deserve just as much of a thank you as physical gifts. 

I thought that this was a common courtesy. Turns out this kind of etiquette has fallen so far down on the list that people don't bother thinking a "Thank you". Gifts are taken for granted. Gifts are assumed and expected and yet get no response.

There have been entire weddings where the bride and groom don't bother writing thank you notes AT ALL. Forget birthdays or graduations or new babies—those are hardly important gifts for which to thank someone. *Rolls eyes* Heck, in those situations I would have settled for a text message: Hey, got your present. Thanks! It is the digital age, after all—takes mere seconds to communicate! But even that—that simple pick-up-your-phone and take literally 30 seconds to type and send—people can't be bothered.

There should be no excuse. Pick up a pen and find that RSVP and respond. Put it in the mail. Find a nice card and write thank you notes to the people who take time out of their day to give you a present. Go to the new neighbors and welcome them to the neighborhood. Bonus points if you bring them baked goods and/or flowers! (I confess, I still need to greet one of our newest neighbors.) Common courtesy and etiquette extend beyond the pages; they are an essential vertebrae in the backbone of our society.

I sincerely hope that with each new generation, the art of RSVP and thank you notes, of sending birthday cards and writing an "I'm thinking of you note" will start to resurface. Facebook and e-mails and Skype and all those programs should help—not make obsolete what generations before have crafted into a meaningful way to communicate. And remember, too, that everybody enjoys opening the mailbox and finding a personal letter or card. 

People absolutely get a free pass every once in a while. To err is human, so we might forget to RSVP to that one event (especially some of those socialites who get invited to everything!) or write a thank you note seven months late (sorry about that Grandma!). Don't make it a habit though. Don't consider it a "normal" part of your life. Instead, put that RSVP card somewhere you'll be able to find and put a deadline on your calendar ahead of the RSVP date to make sure you respond in time. Keep some nice-looking cards around and next time you receive a gift in the mail, pick one up and jot a quick thank you to the person who sent it to you. And if you really aren't one to write personal snail-mail thank yous, then use your phone or your tablet or iPad or computer and take advantage of all this technology at our fingertips! (Though I still am wholly in the snail-mail personal box!)

Acknowledge those who've taken time out of their lives for you. It's important.